I am from hot shiny sunny days in the lovely Taiwan. Lying on grass staring on hot blue sky hoping it would be colder. I am from sitting at hall way waiting for my family, to go outside on hot sunny breeze to play. I am from Chinese food, hot rice, and warm chicken soup. I am from my cousin, grandpa, grandma. I am from my mother and father, brothers and pets. I am from my mom telling me to practice piano and waking me up for swimming lessons. I am from School, Home, World, Water world and Thailand. I am from Scuba diving, playing trampoline, riding bicycle. I am from mom, dad, Jimmy, and Ted. I am.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
I Am From
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awesome job
ReplyDeleteEleanor
Good Job.
ReplyDeletevery very good good job
ReplyDeleteA nice piece Julia. I particularly connect to the idea of "hoping it would be colder..." I, for one, and not a big fan of hot weather. It can be nice for a while, but once it starts to drag on and on...
ReplyDeleteOne thing to think about when constructing a poem, is that poems don't have to conform (follow) the same rules that typically apply to prose writing like stories. Instead of using the punctuation rules of prose, poets often manipulate the flow of words on the page in order to create a certain rhythm. As a writer then, think about the sound of the words you write as you write them. Speak the poem out loud, and get a feeling for the way that the words tumble out of your mouth. Where there is a natural break in the rhythm of your voice, insert a line break. I've read you poem and have edited it in a way that makes sense to me. You will very likely have a different way of hearing it than I did, but just as an example read your poem when it looks like this:
I am from hot shiny sunny days
in the lovely Taiwan,
lying on the grass
staring at the hot blue sky,
and hoping it would be colder.
I am from sitting in the hall way
waiting for my family to go outside
in the hot sunny breeze to play.
I am from Chinese food,
hot rice,
and warm chicken soup.
I am from my cousin,
grandpa, grandma.
I am from my mother and father,
brothers and pets.
I am from my mom
telling me to practice piano
and waking me up for swimming lessons.
I am from School,
Home, World, Water world
and Thailand.
I am from Scuba diving,
playing trampoline,
and riding my bicycle.
I am from mom, dad,
Jimmy, and Ted.
I am.
Also: Look at the line where you talk about your mother telling you to practice the piano, and to get up for swimming lessons. Rather that you telling us that she told you, present her voice. How does she say it? What words in particular? In a quite whisper? Quoting someones speech is a good way of building interest in your characters and in your piece in general.
I am not a fan of hot weather either. Great poem Julia.
ReplyDelete